Why don't the best leaders motivate everyone the same?

Some leaders are naturally great at saying “Well done.” Others show support by stepping in to help or by making time for meaningful conversations.

The challenge is that appreciation does not feel the same to everyone. Even when leaders have good intentions, employees may still feel unseen if appreciation is expressed in a way that does not resonate with them.

This is where the concept of love languages becomes useful in leadership when adapted to a professional context. (Chapman & White, 2011; Hastwell, 2025)

In the workplace, appreciation can be communicated in different ways, including through words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, tangible gifts, or appropriate physical touch.

The central idea is simple: recognition is not one-size-fits-all. When leaders understand how each employee prefers to receive appreciation, motivation becomes more personal, trust develops more quickly, and engagement naturally increases.

From "Love Languages" to "Leadership Love Languages"

In leadership, the same principle applies. Leaders tend to express care and support in ways that feel natural to them, while employees may experience appreciation differently depending on how it is delivered.

A leader may believe they are motivating their team, yet the employee may not feel valued because the message is communicated in a form that does not match their preference.

This perspective also highlights an important distinction between recognition and appreciation.

Recognition usually focuses on results, achievements, or measurable outcomes.

Appreciation, however, goes beyond performance by valuing the individual’s effort, commitment, and contribution, even when there is no major success to celebrate. This explains why formal recognition alone is not always enough to create genuine motivation or a sense of belonging. (Robinson, 2024; Chapman & White, 2011)

What the Five Languages Look Like in Real Leadership?

1. Words of Affirmation
   Some employees feel most appreciated through verbal or written acknowledgment. In leadership, this means offering praise that is specific, sincere, and connected to real impact rather than generic compliments. When leaders clearly articulate what was done well and why it mattered, employees gain confidence and motivation to continue performing at a high level.
   Leadership example:
   “Your follow-up with the client was excellent. It helped us maintain trust and move the project forward.”

   A short, personal message after a tough week.

2. Quality Time
   For employees who value quality time, appreciation is expressed through presence and attention. Leaders demonstrate this by listening actively, giving their full focus during conversations, and creating space for meaningful dialogue.

   Even brief but undistracted interactions can make employees feel respected and valued.
   Leadership example:
   Scheduling a focused one-on-one check-in to listen to challenges and career goals without interruptions.

   Small group sessions to hear concerns.

   Walking meetings or mentoring time.

3. Acts of Service
   Acts of service communicate appreciation through practical support. Some employees feel valued when leaders help remove obstacles, offer assistance during busy periods, or take action that makes their work easier.

   This form of appreciation works best when support is offered thoughtfully and empowers the employee rather than taking control away from them.
   Leadership example:
   “I see you’re overloaded this week. I’ll handle the escalation so you can focus on your priorities.”

4. Tangible Gifts
   Tangible gifts are meaningful when they reflect thoughtfulness rather than monetary value. Small, intentional gestures can communicate appreciation more effectively than generic or expensive rewards. The impact comes from showing that the leader noticed the individual and made an effort to personalize the gesture.
   Leadership example:
   A handwritten note with a small coffee voucher from the employee’s favorite café after completing a demanding project.

   A small item connected to the person’s real interests.

5. Appropriate Physical Touch
   Physical touch is the most sensitive language in the workplace and must always remain within professional and cultural boundaries. When appropriate and welcomed, simple gestures can reinforce appreciation, but leaders should never assume comfort and must always prioritize respect and consent.
   Leadership example:
   A professional handshake or a congratulatory high-five after a team success, when appropriate.

(Chapman & White, 2011; Hastwell, 2025)

How Leaders Can Apply This Without Make It Awkward?

• Learn preferences intentionally
  Leaders can begin by understanding how each employee prefers to receive appreciation. This can happen naturally during onboarding conversations, regular one-on-one meetings, or informal check-ins. Asking simple questions about what makes employees feel valued helps avoid assumptions.

• Observe reactions and listen carefully
  Employees often respond more positively to certain types of appreciation than others. Paying attention to these reactions, and listening to feedback or recurring concerns, can provide valuable insight into what motivates each individual.

• Avoid guessing or projecting personal preferences
  Leaders tend to express appreciation in the way they personally prefer to receive it. However, what works for one person may not work for another. Being intentional rather than instinctive helps ensure appreciation feels genuine and relevant.

• Use structure when helpful
  In some cases, simple tools or structured discussions can help clarify preferences and reduce uncertainty. This approach supports consistency while still allowing appreciation to feel personal rather than mechanical.

• Practice appreciation consistently
  Appreciation is most effective when it becomes part of everyday leadership, not just something reserved for major achievements. Regular, sincere expressions of appreciation help build trust and create a positive workplace culture over time.(Chapman & White, 2011; Haire, 2025; Hastwell, 2025)

Why This Approach Works?

Employees who feel genuinely appreciated are more likely to remain engaged, perform effectively, and develop long-term loyalty to their organizations.

Personalized appreciation strengthens trust, improves morale, and contributes to healthier workplace relationships. By adapting how appreciation is expressed, leaders do more than motivate performance, they build meaningful connections that support sustainable success.

Closing Thought

While every individual is capable of using and responding to all five languages of appreciation, most people tend to have one dominant language through which they feel most valued. This preference influences how individuals interpret recognition, support, and motivation in the workplace.

At the same time, leaders often express appreciation in the way that feels most natural to them, which may not always match how their employees prefer to receive it.

When appreciation is delivered in the wrong “language,” the intention may be positive, but the impact can be limited.

Understanding this gap allows leaders to communicate appreciation more effectively and build stronger, more meaningful connections with their teams.